just hold on

im breathing this contaminated air full of hate into my lungs over and over again. i re live the struggles i try and piece my life back together over and over why did it happen to me was my life meant to be this way. Ive had my family taken away from me put into another one with less love given to me than the love i received from my mom. i was a huge charity case for the worst years of my life. I often ask myself if it could have been a learning experience and it was but that experience is one i could have lived without. im stuck replaying this in my head. Why cant my dad love me? i love him. i need him i’ve needed him for so long and im not ready to grow up and not need him because the thought of not caring about him comes to me over and over again. i just need to stop being so Dependant on ideas because the idea of something that can never happen just continuously breaks my heart. my life is something that i take advantage of and im so ready to give up but there is so much more to life than this isnt there? but why the fuck cant i figure it out. i am so messed up in my head but i cant even tell you why. i dont think anyone loves me and thats on me because im a fool and i know that people love me. my mom has to love me but why cant i believe it. I dont think one person can love someone as much as i love her i mean i might be mean at times but nothing is more important to me than her. why do i hurt constantly she is trying so hard but why cant i? something in me wont let me and i know its anger. i cry alot and most of the time i want to be alone in my room i think me being alone is something i deserve because i feel alone soo alone all the time. i cant figure out where i belong i feel so unwanted in this house hold i feel uncomfortable like i dont belong but thats just something ive always felt. endless thought are mine to hold and that i will hold forever. i dont want to re read this before i post it just endless thoughts over and over again. good night