The worst thing about continuing to do something you know takes a hold of your body is not caring what is gonnna happen to you. You guys dont care nor do you Even understand how to make it better your not family your something familiar snd when I’m gone you’ll Wish you could have done it allll different, so ill say this when I’m gone this willl be what you have to think of me: its lonely when no one cares or sees the pain in your eyes. Holding bsck tears hurts so much I’m done I dont want this anymore. Goodbye
I hate my life and the next three days
I’m wirhdrawing so bad lately I dont know why I let myself get into situationslike this the pain is so unbelievable not worth stoping but even when I do stop and I’m ok I go bsck but I guess you can’t escape your fate
Its almost like a routine now a days three pain full days and im right back to it im loosing my life and mind my heart beats slowly my mind escapes me it could have been so perfect
im starting to be relient on stupid shit and wiether or not anyone cares i dont and i probably wont. i ruined the only thing that could ever make since for my stupid poor choices. i miss you more than ever and i need you more than ever but its too late now and i shouldnt even try. i miss everything about you. your touch your smile your smell my heart drops when i think of how much i fucked up i cant change anything and hopefully the meaning it happens for a reason is true becuase i cant think of one reason this should have happened your always right when you tell me things like why didnt i care than and how hurt you are because im a huge fuck up. I gave up too easily but i swear i couldnt do it again i know i said this before but its true no one will ever have me the way you do. you are my first true loveee your name is forever on me. please one day just take me back because i need you so much so fucking much and it hurts so bad that your not willing to try things one more time ): this is all my fault i know im taking it how it is. ive never known the hurt the vulnerabilty like i do with you. im begging and praying and wishing and needinggg even the idea of this again. tlb4ever.
it feels like such a hard processs going through a break up. especially when youve gone through it 3 different times with the same person.. we break up everytime for the same fucking reason than we get back together starting off right were we left off.. im done i have to be it hurts to much to stay. i have one month of school left and im outty. but that doesnt say much. im sorry. that you have to hurt as much as i do.
There is somethings i can understand.. like i am a very hard person to please and a very hard person to get along with but i will tell you this that i wouldnt have chose you for the job if i didnt think that you could do it. You are the only person who actually tries to tear me down. i mean ive dated other girls but nope they just fucked me over in some way you could be sooo perfect i mean you are but your words they cut me down as much as my words cut you down. im trying so hard this time to make something work for the third time and its not fucking working so now im stuck here crying over you and you could aactually care less its like you like to see me hurt but i hate this feeling right here my stomach is in knots and you are so easy to walk away. i havnt cut in soo fucking long but that one second i laid the blade on my arm i knew how it was going to go and exactly how it was going to feel and the thoughts that ran through my head were deadly.i am fucking so stupid i hate myself as much as anyone else in the world could fucking hate me. you think you know me and you can tell me whats wrong with me well your wrong because i could double what you say and make you hate me even more.
i feel so shitty. like yes i know what could i have to complain about? stupid shit point less shit? but my shit to you could be very pointless but the shit to me is not pointless at all. why are you soo mean” better yet why the fuck am i so mean. We could have it perfect i mean most of the time it is fucking perfect but we are so far down the road that i dont expect people to understand wwhat we have. we started being together so fucking long ago. you grew up with me and i grew up with you. you my dear are perfect to me and i deserve you and you my darling deserve me. i dont mess up with you i dont i couldnt i wouldnt, people can think whatever they want because they arent us and they dont feel what we feel but at what point does it get easier, is it this dumb teenage shit that it is impossible to have one good day do our hormones get to us? idk but its so hard to figure out i mean this isnt something i want to complain about i mean there are many things i could complain about like my dad.. fuck him he wrote me a letter and i dont even no how to write him back. my mom doesnt notice shit a million cuts on my arm deep ones to and no need to worry because no one fucking notices shit no not a cry out for help just relieving some pain. ouch.. i wish that i can go back and and change so much from the past. itss whatever now ill be back on this in no time;
i can dream.
The easiest way out is to just fucking do it. Empty heart heavy thoughts. The biggest fear i have is to try and not succeed and than live with the fact that it wasn’t my destiny yet but why does it feel so right. My blood runs with the power to do this to be able to get the nerve up to just fucking step on that chair and let go. I know its my time it is there is no other time for this. ive lived all i could live and there is nothing more for me anymore. it has never been easy even though it should have been easy. being raised around a shit ton of meth heads just made me realize how fucking shitty this world can be. How can you sit there and be such a fucking hypocrite telling me not to do one thing when you did it my hole life. for you to say you didnt ruin my life really fucking hurts because that just puts this all back on me again making me feel weak and useless if this is all my fault why cant i fix it why do things still replay in my head and why cant i talk about my problems.. because im afriad of them. unfixable the reason i cant see my future is because i know my time is coming and this is all i have left to say to all of you who couldnt help me… If i could have gone back in time and changed anything i would have changed your perception of my thoughts and my mind i would have changed the way i tried so hard.
p.s this didnt help
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my thoughts are just to jumbled up right now. i cant express how i feel but i honestly dont know if i even feel. nummbbb give me a break im still searching
im breathing this contaminated air full of hate into my lungs over and over again. i re live the struggles i try and piece my life back together over and over why did it happen to me was my life meant to be this way. Ive had my family taken away from me put into another one with less love given to me than the love i received from my mom. i was a huge charity case for the worst years of my life. I often ask myself if it could have been a learning experience and it was but that experience is one i could have lived without. im stuck replaying this in my head. Why cant my dad love me? i love him. i need him i’ve needed him for so long and im not ready to grow up and not need him because the thought of not caring about him comes to me over and over again. i just need to stop being so Dependant on ideas because the idea of something that can never happen just continuously breaks my heart. my life is something that i take advantage of and im so ready to give up but there is so much more to life than this isnt there? but why the fuck cant i figure it out. i am so messed up in my head but i cant even tell you why. i dont think anyone loves me and thats on me because im a fool and i know that people love me. my mom has to love me but why cant i believe it. I dont think one person can love someone as much as i love her i mean i might be mean at times but nothing is more important to me than her. why do i hurt constantly she is trying so hard but why cant i? something in me wont let me and i know its anger. i cry alot and most of the time i want to be alone in my room i think me being alone is something i deserve because i feel alone soo alone all the time. i cant figure out where i belong i feel so unwanted in this house hold i feel uncomfortable like i dont belong but thats just something ive always felt. endless thought are mine to hold and that i will hold forever. i dont want to re read this before i post it just endless thoughts over and over again. good night
i knew how to end it with people the easy way. i cant say the things i mean nor mean tthe things i say. im stuck in the same routine i almost feel like its nott okay for me to feel hurt or need time i rush into things too soon and i need the time to find myself. after being in a new relationship i realized so much. i shouldnt take the stuff i let people do to me i mean in the beginging is when it all matters so much but why do i take it until im fed up with it. if there not good to me in the start they damn well arent going to be later on. What i realized about girls is that its okay for them to hurt me untill i hurt them than its on me and that is too much pressure all the time. i feel shitty when i hurt them i have this feeling in my gut and i hate it. i cant take what i did in the past back and niether can she but i dont want it anymore she is my bestfriend and thats all i want from her. i learned how to let go of everything that we dont have and make what we do have work and that is a friend ship. Someone else has loved me better i just took it for granted and messed it up. im ready to walk on my own and fix what i need. if there is anything i hope is that she will still be my bestfriend and that can be enough for her because now i know i belong somewhere with someone else who has a family who loves me and has never done me any wrong.
ARE YOU OK
huhhhhhhhhh?
TRIPPING